Walls

I have not been feeling well lately. I feel forgetful. I hope this does not continue.

Change: Day 6

My ears are ringing quite loudly now. Very high pitched. I think the sound is always there but since it’s at such a high pitch right now, it’s very bothersome. Just saw Yes Man this evening. It was an ok flick I guess. Definitely better than the Cable Guy but not as funny as his earlier stuff. There are some lessons to be learned in that movie I suppose. Namely, having a positive attitude and saying Yes to everything aren’t the same thing. In fact, Jim learns that having an open mind is just the beginning. It’s up to us to decide for ourselves if our decisions are correct.

Went to the pool today. Didn’t swim that long. Maybe 20 minutes or so. Kinda refreshing. The tinnitus wasn’t noticeable then. I need to get a haircut. They say we’ll be getting our first wintry mix tomorrow. I’ve always loved the snow. It’s very serene. Noises are muffled. Everything is white. A beautiful gift from mother nature.

Change: Day 1

Slept like crap. Woke up constantly. Drifted in and out of sleep. Stayed home and suffered some more while sleeping. the verge of consciousness and then zap, I’m awake. Finally rolled off the floor early evening. Went to 7-11 and got dinner, or breakfast or whatever. Guy in front of my in line took the longest time. First it’s hotdogs, then it’s that drink isn’t mine. Meanwhile the other employee was messing with the lotto machine unable to help me. Got home. Ate. Went back to sleep. Zip Zap. Finally woke up again late night. Was very thristy. Went to 7-11 again. Got a drink. Now that I think about it, the guy in line was from the second 7-11 trip. Came home, washed the dog. Poor thing has a skin disorder that makes him itchy. Checked my email. Basketball cancelled. Checked facebook. Everyone living their lives. My life stolen from me and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. My head hurts from last night’s abuse.

the end of an error?

Today, our nation officially swears in Barack Obama as President of the United States of America. That being said, it will take more than just one person to make the changes necessary to better this country. It will take hard work and due diligence to restore credibility to this nation.

When I was younger, we used to recite the pledge of allegiance every morning. I don’t know if they still do that in school anymore but it went like this:

“I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands: one Nation under God, Indivisible, With Liberty and Justice for all.“

The world revolves. Countries evolve. Technologies solve. But there’s something to be said about correcting the mistakes we’ve made in the past. I voted for Obama in the hope that his words about unity and equal rights for all were more than just news bites. Every human being is endowed with certain inalienable rights. To violate those rights is the gravest of injustices. My hope is President Obama works to correct these injustices.

Down and Out

I’m feeling down today. It’s like the world compresses on you. Your vision, it narrows. Instead of looking miles ahead, you’re looking down and thinking in terms of feet. Sometimes, I can’t get past my own head. Hopeless. I got a phone call for some PC work. I’m sick on helping others. Why should I help others when my world is so dim and clouded? Lots of sighing today. Even went to the pool and still feel like this. Avoiding social situations outside. Don’t mind spending time with friends indoors somewhere but can’t stand the bar scene or eating out anymore. I still sleep on the floor. If you’re not living, you’re dying. I’m dying.

Squeeze Play

Feeling squeezed. Breathing is difficult. Felt stressed out yesterday. Did a quick 20 minutes at the pool. Not feeling like myself. Difficulty laughing. I swear sometimes when I smile, I can only hold it for a few seconds before I struggle. It looks awful in pictures. Feels like that struggle constantly right now. Instead of a few seconds, it’s like that all the time. Metabolism is waay low. My throat feels constricted.

Anxiety Attack @ the Church Gym

Had a severe anxiety attack just now. Out of the blue, bam. One minute I was playing basketball, the next I was full of fear. I had to leave after that game. Still feeling shaken up a bit but what the heck just happened?

I had an awful night’s sleep last night. Woke up ever hour or so. In the back of my mind, I keep thinking things are going to get worse before they get better. I just don’t know how much worse I can take. On the lighter side of things, the muscle twitches are scaled back somewhat. I can still feel them but they aren’t so severe.

It’s my birthday but I don’t feel like celebrating. After this anxiety attack, I don’t feel like doing much of anything to tell you the truth. I will probably go to Bryan’s but I’m afraid the muscle twitches may get worse. They seem to be worse there. Maybe I’ll just swing by and leave if it gets too bothersome.

The Vice

The Vice,
grips from both sides,
I struggle to free myself.

The Vice,
is stronger than me,
Pain grips me.

The Vice,
has taken what it can,
It moves to take what’s left.

The Vice,
squeezes tighter,
Time kills me.

Zap

Muscle twitches going wild from the get go. Can’t think clearly. Want to sleep through this. Tinnitus getting louder from this morning. Skipped swimming today to play basketball tonight.

Perfect Storm

The month of December was hell. January isn’t looking much better. I made a New Years Resolution last year to survive until to 2009. Well, it’s 2009 and I made it through another year. I don’t want to make a resolution for this year. Tinnitus, muscle twitches, brain fog all cranking. Anxiety is manageable but has been replaced by stress (feels like high blood pressure). Birthday is coming up. Don’t feel like celebrating. Don’t like doing much of anything to tell you the truth.

On the lighter side of things, started to go swimming again. Three days in a row now. I need to buy a pass. They have a special on 4 month passes. At this rate, I might not make it 4 months so I’m reconsidering buying that one. Missed the entire month of December swimming-wise. After that last “time warp”, I just stopped going. Don’t feel like doing much of anything. Trying to put together a music CD although the genres are all mixed up. Lovin the new Akon album – Freedom. I like Leona Lewis too.

Basically wasting my days looking for new music, swimming, basketball, and fighting my deteriorating health. Barber jacked my haircut. I had to fix it myself. Basketball is dreadful. No energy. Missing my shots. I swear I don’t know why I still play. Probably just to get out of this prison cell for a short time.

Brain drain is getting heavier, muscle twitches getting harder, stress getting higher, tinnitus getting more audible.

Losing things to look forward to.  Losing.. hope.